but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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