long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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