Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
