meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
