Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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