OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
