I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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