I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
People in love make me want to vomit
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I intend to get homeless drunk
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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