I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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