Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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