He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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