You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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