woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
