She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
