Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
