You're earring is so big in my mouth
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
