FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
