there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
