Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
