last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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