i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
