does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Randomize
