Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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