i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
