oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
