I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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