Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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