I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
