she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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