It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
