Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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