she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
