apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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