Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
