he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
