I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
