My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
