I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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