Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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