I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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