I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
