you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
