dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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