i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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