When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
