new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
