I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
