Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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