Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
