i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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