I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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