Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
